Happy Birthday

Heyy
Listen.
Happy birthday. I wish you all the happiness and satisfaction in the world. I wish that you get my part of happiness and it's a cheat code for me cos if you'll be happy than I'll be happy hehe.

Umm, so yeah, I've already made things awkward and weird between us and I don't care anymore cos I'm just a guy 💅

I'm writing this on 20th October, diwali. I'm am actually really really happy right now, cos everyone else is. And that's the same I wish for you. I am sitting outside in my house, on a swing (hichko 🙂‍↔️) and just thought I should write her something while I can. I don't know how long will I write and send you things. I know your birthday since the day prapti told me Last year. I kid you not, its been my phone's pin, even my bank pin contain those letters since than lul. I'm even planning to buy a rose for you on ur birthday, I'll probably attach a photo for obvious reasons.

I have so many things to say I just realised that, like I think about tell you stuff while doing stuff like home chores or what not. Daymn...you know when I was like around 15 16, I used to think I would never fall for a girl, emotions are cringe and all. He would be shocked to see me fall for you lol.

I know, I feel bad for talking Abt me on your birthday , but look, I want to tell you things while I'm like this. I used to love cricket, since childhood. Now it just doesn't feel the same anymore for it. And I never really thought Abt it.

Now you're my cricket, the comfort, the thought of you makes me happy. You have no idea how many times I think about you just to forget everything. I guess I've associated you with happiness in my mind.

Heyy so from this point onwards I've wrote this today like on 12th nov. I don't know why I stopped at that i. My last paragraph but yes. I don't know how you feel about me and honestly it won't matter (said the same thing last time but its almost been a year now, if I count from the day I first saw you, it was Friday before the navratri week.) ohh shoot. I wanna talk. Abt this year's Navaratri so badd. But it would be too long. May be next time I write something Abt you then (there won't be next time). Im breaking my own promise of not talking Abt this. But since I can't give you physical gift, I know you won't receive so this is the best thing I can do. Another boring multi page pdf I know but please, you have to understand me. This is like a moment in my life. I will never feel this happy about anyyything in the world ever again. Never. This is like a major thing, major part of my life. This would be what people call first love. I'm debating with my self whether I send you this or not and I'm super super confused. Idk. Let's see. I feel bad for making this Abt me on ur birthday 💐.

Yeah so where were we? Right, life and shit. I just realised I never actually asked you for anything. Like as far as I remember I only expressed what I feel and that's the beauty of heart, if you can't love loudly what's the point of having heart. When you told me that you'd didnt feel any thing for anyone since whatever the fuck that guy did. Bhadwo. But I hope you find it in your heart to feel for someone again cos I can tell you it's the best fking feeling in the world. Especially when you don't expect anything. Poetry, love, music, art, nature a good cup of coffee (tea if ur tea person), friendship, family these are the things you live for. This clgives purpose to meaning less life. You feel me??

Like your reply on the uttrayan days, the last reply the long one, gave me so much confidence, you don't know how much you've made me secure. I was so much insecure Abt my self. and uparthi mentally exhausted hato ee time pr. I didn't know what I said I wrote whatever came in my mind. If you look at that messages and this message. You'll find big difference. You said you was on cloud 9, I say I am right now on fking cloud 99. I can't even pin point the reason. May be it's you. I don't know. I just realised, I don't know what but all I wanna do is talk to you. No no, I'm not asking for anything. I hope you keep being kind and nice and who you are, don't get idea that people will start take your kindness the wrong way like I did. Don't change yourself for one stupid person. I have so much more to tell you, so many stories I wanna share, I want to get to know you sooo bad. I want you to share your stories too. Magar ye kabhi ho naaa ska aur jo nai payega.

So there's one last thing and this is an ask. I don't want no long reply, I don't want no fancy thank you message. Just listen to this song, it's my only single request. And just so you know if you don't listen I would be sad and and I don't like being sad. It makes me feel sad so 👉👈🥹 it's the song named dekha hi nahi by osho jain. I had listened to it before I met you. It was released around at the start of that month. It has so many views now I hate it but. That song is you can say exactly tell what I would write if I was good at it. And if I could sing 😅 but yeah. Do give it a listen. just please listen to it. Its kinda slow song. I like these type of songs so please do listen.

I know you know but there are still so many things I want to tell you. But I'll stop now. As I know this isn't going anywhere. I trouble you for no reason and take you back to the state which you probably don't like since last time you liked someone. Tbh I was angry at u when u told me I hope you understand why you have commitment issues and all. But now I understand and I'm sorry for not understanding that time.

So I've realised this all "love" thing is probably not me cos. And mind you I don't want to call this love, this is beyond that. I don't know what to say this. But whatever this is, is not for me. My family would support the love marriage thing if I ask but, what if I can't obey what I promised to whoever my partner is. I am afraid of what I've done, Im afraid what if I never felt like this for anyone else. Especially my future wife. I am really really afraid. So what I'm gonna just from now on try to force my self to not think abbout you. its so sad for me that I found you when I wasn't looking for someone and gonna have to forget about you when all I want ..... leave it.

i'm not gonna end this text with sad tone. I'm not feeling down or sad at all, I'm really really happy for you. I wish you everythign in the world, I wish you eat healthy, I wish you stay happy, I wish you maake your parents and family proud, I wish you move on from whatever happened and believe in this thing again. I am sorry again for putting you through reading this. I don't know what will be your reaction, and belive me mari fati ne 4 thai gai che tne aa moklvama. and yeah, I wrote all these things from the same swing (hichko 🙂‍↔️), favourite part of my house. If you were here I would have taken you to manek chawk, riverfront, raipur, old ahmedabad (its beautiul like you), so many great and 7 star cafes around here. tomorrow theres international book festival starting for around 10 days, I'm planning to go alone since nobody I know in ahmedabad reads bbooks. waise mann bana lo to ahmedabaed dur nai hai niyati ji.

you dont' know bbut you've made me fall in lvoe with my self. I would never have been able to feel good about my self this much if it was not your reply. I know you're going to enjoy your birthday and I hoep nothign bad happens to you. just wanna say, I'll move on from whatever this is in next few months, I dont' wanna do this anymore; I feel like I'm hurting you in ways you don't know. I'm not sad but theres this weird feeling which I can't describe. I want you to forget me if you can. (I assume you never thought about me, comon, dont make that face, I know, be honest. I don't expect but, yes, it is true. you do'nt need to be nice about it, I'm almsot non existent to you. fk. ) sorry if that was harsh. harsh, that's my brothers name lol. sorry off topic.

yeah I'll always remmeber you tho. I know that. I don't know how to end this message. I still feel the same way I used to on the first day. if you ever need anythign, in any way which I can help, I would. don't hesitate, I'm sure till then I would've moved on. so really really thank you for ....

damn. some of these things where written with really heavy heart I can tell you that.